Many parents, grandparents and other family members over the years have shared with us their experience – sometimes positive, often troubling – of their ride on the family law roller-coaster. SPS Blogs gives individuals the opportunity to share what they felt and what they have learned. All stories are anonymised.
Separated father, William, describes learning through SPS that you can’t control what other people say or do, only your reaction to it. It was like a weight lifted from him.
I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years and had a child with my ex. When we split, she used contact between my daughter and me as a method of continuing control. If I didn’t do what she wanted or what she said, I wouldn’t get to see my child.
I would receive lengthy abusive emails and lists of demands and I’d spend far too long stressing over the content and trying to address or argue about every point. This went on for years and escalated further when I met my wife-to-be.
That is when I came across Shared Parenting Scotland. Without exaggeration, it changed my life! The mindset that they teach – that you can’t control what other people say or do, only your reaction to it – was like a weight lifted from me.
Suddenly, I no longer got sucked into defending all the allegations in the emails. I kept any response solely relating to contact. I no longer worried about all the ‘what ifs’ or tried to second guess what might say or do next. It allowed me to be focused on the present and adopt a “deal with it when it happens” attitude. It meant that I could enjoy the time I spent with my daughter without worrying about the email that would be bound to follow after she went back.
In addition to changing my mindset, Shared Parenting Scotland also provided practical support by way of free legal advice during their monthly meetings. I got to discuss my case with a pro bono solicitor and see what options were available to me without spending hundreds or thousands of pounds on something that might not have been possible.
For me, the most useful support available through SPS has been the WhatsApp group of other people – mothers as well as fathers – going through the same situation. Hearing their stories gave me comfort that I was not alone. The issues were so similar, it was almost like they were reading my ex’s emails! Not only was I able to get advice from people who had been through the court process and had inside knowledge of how it all worked, I was able in turn to use my experience to help others who weren’t as far along in the process as I was.
Unfortunately, over time, my relationship with my daughter has been a casualty. I understand the stress she was under. It wasn’t fair on her – not fair on any child to live with such tension that eats up their childhood years. As much as I miss her, Shared Parenting has helped me cope with this loss without bitterness through their Love, Loss and Living course. The course acknowledges the grief of losing a relationship with your child. I’ll be ready for her when she decides to make contact again.
I now use my knowledge of SPS and my experiences to promote SPS within my workplace and would signpost anyone going through child contact issues to them. Even just to know I am not alone has made such a difference to my life!
Are you looking for support?
We currently have two training programmes available to support you.
New Ways For Families is a ten-module online course, with additional one-to-one coaching sessions, designed to help separated parents learn key behavioural skills so support themselves and their children through separation, which could allow you to avoid costly legal fees later on. The course is provided and organised by Shared Parenting Scotland, operating under licence from the High Conflict Institute, and is now being run throughout the United Kingdom with our team of UK coaches.
Love, Loss and Living is an interactive, 6-week online course to help you understand and manage the grief of being separated from your children. The course incorporates video and online learning material with in-person coaching sessions. You can find out more about both by clicking the links.