What is Shared Parenting?

Shared parenting is where parents share the care and responsibilities for their children as equally as possible.   This should happen in all families, but it often becomes an issue when the parents separate and start living apart.

Shared parenting takes a flexible, child-centred approach where the child’s welfare and wellbeing are central to parenting. There is increasing evidence that it can provide a healthy and supportive environment to bring up children after separation.   See the International Council on Shared Parenting knowhow section for a roundup of myths and truth about shared parenting.

Of course, shared parenting may not work for every family and at present can be hard to arrange.

The aim of this website is to share what world-wide experts say about shared parenting, record how legislation is developing in different countries, present stories from families and provide practical advice.

What about New Partners?

One or both separated parents may form new relationships.  While this is perfectly normal, it does raise extra questions about how this affects the children.

Dr Patricia Papernow, the author of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships, has put together a very useful baker’s dozen of tips on how to help children meet the challenges that stepfamilies create for them in the Supporting Stepfamilies section.

13 evidence-based and practice-proven tips for adults to help children of all ages in stepfamilies to thrive in their new relationships

1. A new relationship is a gift for the adults. It is often a loss for children.

Children of all ages can feel a parent’s recoupling as a loss; understanding children’s different experiences is the first step to being helpful. For children, the entry of a stepparent brings a decrease in parental attention, and a raft of changes.

2. Schedule consistent, regular parent-child one-to-one time

One of the ways to help children’s sense of loss is to schedule consistent, regular parent-child time. Successful step-families carve out both time for step-couple alone time as well as regular and reliable one-to-one parent-child alone time. Label this time clearly, and be sure to reschedule this time if you need to change it. Never withdraw parent-child time as a punishment. Sometimes, just increasing reliable parent-child time can substantially improve a “resistant” or depressed child’s behaviour.

3. Practice authoritative (loving and moderately firm) parenting

Substantial research establishes that authoritative parenting is best for children on every measure imaginable. Authoritative parenting is loving and emotionally responsive, and makes realistic demands for mature behaviour.

Authoritative parenting is a more powerful predictor of children’s wellbeing than whether a child lives in a never-divorced family, a single-parent family, or a step-family.

4. Parents remain the disciplinarians

The research is clear: children in stepfamilies do best when the parent remains the disciplinarian, until, or unless, the stepparent has forged a secure, caring, trusting relationship.

5. Step-parents begin with connection, not correction

This means that parents enforce the rules while step-parents concentrate on building relationships with children. A good model to follow is: the stepparent has input; the parent has the final say. After a trusting relationship is established, stepparents can sometimes slowly (over a few years) move into authoritative parenting. When a parent is out or away, they place the stepparent in charge, who should enforce the parent’s rule rather than implement their own.

6. Protect children from adult tension and conflict

A massive amount of research establishes that adult conflict significantly lowers wellbeing for children. In fact, it is not divorce, single parenting, or step-families that creates poorer child outcomes; it is deteriorated parenting practices and adult conflict that predict poor child wellbeing. Family scholars have found that even moderate tension between adults significantly diminishes children’s attention, social skills, and immune functioning. Parenting is the primary source of conflict between parents and step-parents, so it is important that step-couples handle their inevitable differences in private, out of children’s earshot.

7. Practice positive post-divorce co-parenting with ex-spouses

Research tells us that highly cooperative post-divorce co-parenting is best for children.
Low-conflict “parallel parenting” is much more common, and is next best, especially when combined with nurturing, moderately firm parenting. It is important that conversations between ex-spouses about scheduling, money etc is done out of children’s earshot. If things are tense, communicate with short, factual texts, short emails, or short voicemails (using the BIFF model of being brief, informative, friendly and firm is useful).

8. Protect children from adult tension and conflict

A massive amount of research establishes that adult conflict significantly lowers wellbeing for children. In fact, it is not divorce, single parenting, or step-families that creates poorer child outcomes; it is deteriorated parenting practices and adult conflict that predict poor child wellbeing. Family scholars have found that even moderate tension between adults significantly diminishes children’s attention, social skills, and immune functioning. Parenting is the primary source of conflict between parents and step-parents, so it is important that step-couples handle their inevitable differences in private, out of children’s earshot.

9. Loosen children’s loyalty binds

The entry of a step-parent often evokes a loyalty bind for children: ‘If I care for my step-mum/dad, I feel disloyal to my mum/dad’. Many children feel these binds, even in cooperative divorces. However, parental conflict deepens these loyalty binds. Even in a friendly divorce a child may have an especially close relationship with the parent in the other household, therefore getting closer to the step-parent can create a tight loyalty bind.

‘Loyalty bind talks’ can help. This could be, for example, a dad saying to his young daughter: ‘Having a mum and step-mum can be confusing. I want you to know that your mum will always have a permanent place in your heart. Like the sun. Like the mountains. Always there. Some time, you might come to care about Sally (her stepmum), too. But, even then, Sally’s place in your heart will be in a totally different place from your mum’s place in your heart.

A step-parent can approach this by saying something like: ‘Just so you know that I know, your mum’s place in your heart is permanent. You probably already get this, too, but just so you know that I know, I am your step-mum, not your mum. They’re different. We didn’t choose each other. We’re still getting to know each other. I hope we’ll come to care about each other some time. But, that will be a totally different place in your heart than your mum’s place.’

10. Do build a new culture, but a little at a time.

Becoming a step-family is a process, not an event – developing a sense of ‘us’ takes time. A ‘fresh start’ can seem like a great time for new furniture, new paint etc, and legislating a new slate of ‘family rules’ can seem like a good way to create unity in a step-family that may have two sets of children.

However, as the pace of change increases, children’s wellbeing decreases. A couple of changes at a time is suggested rather than a lot of change in a short period of time. Agree on changes that are realistic for the children, and that matter most to the step-parent. Begin with rules for safety and respect. In the meantime, you can help children feel grounded through things such as maintaining bedtime rituals, eating favourite foods, and keeping familiar pictures and furniture around.

Successful stepcouples are able to handle differences respectfully and calmly, as an interesting cultural difference rather than an issue of ‘right or wrong’

11. Require civility, not love

We cannot require strangers who did not choose each other to love each other. As much as we wish our partners and children would love each other, step relationships must be built over time. It is important, however, to immediately establish clear guidelines for basic civility and safety between children, stepparents, and stepsiblings, and to enforce and monitor these.

12. Keep adult physical affection private

Stepcouples can be very loving and physical. Parents often want to model a
healthy affectionate relationship for their kids. Demonstrating respect and kindness is important. However, for children in a stepfamily, adult snuggling and hand-holding intensifies losses and increases loyalty binds. Do be affectionate, but keep it private!

13. Empathise with children’s challenges

Parental empathy is a powerful soothing and regulating force for children. It actually grows neural connections between the upset part of kids’ brains and the regulating part of their brains. Empathic attunement also helps create the secure attachment that makes for the most calm, confident, and resilient children. Attuned parents help their child ‘feel felt’ and they can tell the story from the child’s point of view

Many thanks to Dr Patricia Papernow for letting us pass on these stepfamily tips. See https://stepfamilyrelationships.com/ for more information about her work